It was second grade. I was shy and introverted, the nerdy smart Asian kid that wanted to be liked by everyone.

She was the pretty blond in the class, liked by everyone, the “it” girl. Her name was Suzie.

Everyone in the class paired her with the cutest blonde boy in the class, Steven.  They liked that they were both blonde and their first names began with the same letter, an important part of the matching process by your peers in Grade 2.

Suzie and I were best friends but when I look back on this friendship, it was one sided. I used to buy her affection and loyalty.

I used to bring in a Twinkie for us to share at recess. In case you didn’t grow up with Twinkies, it’s a sponge cake snack with a cream filling.

The Twinkie came to be the most important part of our friendship, so much that she she came to expect it and I was afraid to go to school without it.

I was happy she was my friend and I was afraid she wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t bring in the treat for her every day.

Deep down I knew that she only liked me for my treats, it wasn’t about who I was, but I went along with the game for a long time.

The teacher sat me beside Steven because he was one of the smartest kids in the class. I being the other.

I had this secret crush on Steven. I felt I couldn’t express it because everyone said he was meant to be with my friend, not me, and I was too shy anyway.

I tried to be indifferent to him so he wouldn’t know but gave him preferential treatment whenever I could. The biggest Valentine’s card from a secret admirer, sharing my homework, leaving him a Twinkie. That’s what you do when you’re seven years old.

My dating patterns have changed too much over the years, certainly the feelings are not that different when you have crush on someone. Is it even called a crush when you are older?

It’s bullsh*t when adults say that children can’t feel true love. They don’t remember what it feels like. Perhaps this is the purest of loves there is and we are not supposed to express it and play it out.

If we were able to be honest and express our true emotions, which we try to do later in life and suck at it for the most part because we lack experience and confidence, we would see the results of our actions.

It may not be the fantasy world that we imagine of Prince Charming finding his princess in Cinderella and a couple sharing spaghetti like the adorable dogs in the Lady and the Tramp. Two Disney stories I am a sucker for if I am honest.

But we would see the consequences of telling the truth.

You tell a guy you have a crush on that you like him.

First scenario. He shuns you and asks the teacher if he can sit in another place. You are mortified.

Second scenario. He might say, “I like you too, you’re smart and cute.” You never know.

But I was too shy to ever tell Steven how I felt.

I decided one day not to bring in another Twinkie for Suzie. She said, “if I don’t get another Twinkie then I can’t be your friend.”

I was devastated and sad, but the sun rose the next day and eventually there appeared another friend that was better for me, who loved me AND my Twinkies.

This is what I remember when I see a Twinkie.

And this is why food is more than food.

Also published on Medium.