I am tested over and over again with either money or the creative path.

Why does it have to be one or another?

I get asked about gigs, things fall in my lap, and my ego is impressed and I want to go out and touch these shiny objects like a kid. What’s the harm I say to take a look. It’s like an addiction. The gig represents money but doesn’t interest me a lot.

I had a call with the person proposing the gig and I even had a hard time waking up for the call. I couldn’t get into it. I set my alarm but slept through it. I woke up just before the call begrudgingly and ran to get a coffee to wake me up.

I asked myself while the coffee was brewing, do I want to take this on, and I kept on asking myself the same question over and over again, expecting a different response because it was a definite loud and clear “no!”.

“Why not,” I ask myself, probing for a reason why I won’t take a look at this gig that represents money and I need money right?

“Haven’t you gone through this rabbit hole a few too may times, and have fallen in, isn’t it time to stop the pattern,” says a voice deep within.

“What pattern?” I ask coyly. “You know what I mean,” responds the voice.

I am flattered when someone reaches out to ask for my expertise, support, talents, you name it. It’s often not something I am excited about doing or giving but I play along for awhile, I flirt with them. Maybe I’ll be excited once I speak to them I think. Maybe they’ll offer me an insane amount of money and I won’t be able to refuse, it will help me with my creative endeavours. My mind or ego goes off like a kid on a sugar high, and not a good one.

I ask myself again calmly and quietly, “do you really want to do this?”.

I say a firm “no” again.

“Can I ask why, “says the voice that already knows the answer.

I speak hesitantly at first but pick up speed as I say, “it doesn’t stir me, it doesn’t make me happy, energize me, I’m not passionate about it.

“But you haven’t even met the person,” the ego pushes in. It’s very pushy especially at times like this.

“I don’t know, I don’t get a good feeling,” I respond back quickly.

The real question is not what I don’t want but what do I want instead. I have learned much from reading and coaching sessions with my friend Barb, and this helps me now.

If I don’t want this, what do I want instead?

I am leaving to Thailand on a voyage of discovering and the object is namely me.

To focus on me, to be free, to be me, to spend time with myself again, listen to what I have to say. It’s sort of a love relationship but this time it’s with me because so often I abandon my lover, myself. Why?

I’m afraid. To hear what she has to say, to give her what she wants. I don’t feel that she deserves it, she is not good enough.

It is time to go back to following my heart and soul, to trust myself and my instincts, to set myself adrift for awhile.

I do have a path I’ve chosen. I’m leaving for a month in Thailand, armed with my laptop to write, my cell-camera to take photos, and a carry-on suitcase with clothes and toiletries I can’t live without.

I feel in my heart and soul this is the right thing to do now. I have come out of a hard job assignment that was not good for me or aligned with my vision in the name of money. What do I want instead?

I want to live, no sorry I am living a life (my spiritual coach tells me how important it is not to wish, hope, need, expect, want but live, be, feel, and ask for what I want) where I am happy and grateful because I am present and mindful, where I am doing what I love to do, where I learn, grow, help people and I show my true self to the world.

I want to stand naked, not really naked, but you know what I mean, to the world and tell them what I need to say, because I feel I have a lot to say to them that could help them, support them, and in doing so, support me.

Life is really short, I often forget this during my down periods, and I don’t want to waste it with people and situations that I am not aligned with and bring me down.

I am using my precious gifts for the greatest good. I’ve touched on some of my gifts of creating food for people, writing, but there is a thread there that is greater than all this, that transcends boundaries for myself and the world.

It is about people, nourishing and inspiring them with my stories about how much I am like them, I get them, and I’ve been there.  To reveal who I truly am, put out all my cards so to speak. It’s hard to lie to one self all your life about what you really want and who we truly are. Why do we do that?

I thought I wanted fame, fortune and power, but what I really want is love, to love and be loved, it comes down to that. Oh yes of course I want to be healthy, body, mind and spirit, and use my creativity and gifts to make the best life possible.

I’ve been bringing back into my life, my child, not an inner child, a wounded child, or all those other terms, just the child, who is playful, fun, honest, innocent and alive in the moment. It takes a life time of conditioning and societal norms to make ourselves into something we don’t like and then at one point we want to turn back the dial to where we came.

I don’t have regrets, or many, because they have led me to this point today, but I don’t want to have many more regrets of the kind of not taking action, doing things, taking risks, not putting myself out there. The risk of not doing so, is greater than doing so, of leaving this planet when my time is up with nothing but endless to do lists, worries, shoulds, expectations and grabbing for shiny objects that don’t make me happy.

Instead I write and reach for myself, my lover of life, and hug her tightly because she is the most beautiful radiant person when I allow her to shine. The thing is, when I feed her with things that bring her joy, that she loves, that make her heart sing, and allow her to be who she truly is, she shines so brightly, attracting other shiny stars into her world.